Whew, this is a big question.
I mean, it would be easy to say, "Nothing is missing from my life; I have a good job, a good husband, great kids, and a nice place to live. Really, what more could I possibly need?" Okay, maybe not EASY to say, but it should be the right answer maybe?
But if I'm allowing myself to be selfish - and what is a year of writing about oneself if not selfish? - I am missing the joy.
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11/27/25
Right now my life is missing fulfillment, I guess. Specifically feeling fulfilled with my marriage. Maybe connection is a more accurate descriptor.
I wish I still had my first marriage. Well, that's not exactly right. I wish that I had continued my first marriage and worked to strengthen it. It needed help, and I wish I had stuck around to figure it out.
I don't know that I feel destined not to have the life I want, but I feel responsible for living this unwanted life. Destiny had nothing to do with it - the shitty choices I made are what landed me here. I feel like though this isn't the life that I want, it is the life that I gave myself.
I've been realizing more and more over the last several years that I messed things up and now have to bear the consequences.
Sure, lots of people have a long-term relationship with a loving, fulfilling family life. They worked to make it happen rather than squandering what they had. I mean, to be fair to myself, I was a hot mess and have worked on myself a lot since the dissolution of my marriage, but that doesn't change anything.
My lack of fulfillment in my current marriage comes from a couple of things. I expect John's depression is a major factor. We don't know how to talk to each other. I Idealized him at the beginning of our relationship - thinking his silence was noble or some such thing. I want different things out of life than he does. I know what a good relationship should feel like, and this isn't it.
Continuing counseling may help, though it hasn't seemed to do much. It feels like John wants everything to stay like it is except he wants regular sex. And it doesn't seem like he's willing to work on anything.
