In four short weeks, I will again be a married woman. This is bringing me great joy, and of course, great anxiety. I am absolutely convinced that marrying John is the greatest choice I've made in many years, and I fully expect to spend the rest of our lives in wedded bliss. So, only the joy is coming from the whole being a married woman thing; the anxiety is coming from the becoming part.
Twenty-some years ago, I stood up on an alter in front of a few hundred people and, after an uncontrollable bout of the giggles, married my first husband. It wasn't a ridiculous wedding - well not overly ridiculous anyway - but it was enough to satisfy any fairy-tale dreams I held about just how a marriage should begin, and was kind of emblematic of the entire relationship. Presentation was more important than truth.
This time, I'm looking for less flash and more substance. And beginning the journey intimately makes sense, so the initial intention was to include only the kids in the ceremony, illustrating our commitment to each other and our family. No friends, no extended family, no parents. Enter the anxiety.
Because of recent discussion - John with his dad, who would like to be a part of the day. Me with Ally who hit my heart by asking how I'd feel if I weren't invited to her wedding - we've been rethinking including our parents. The truth is, I have no problem with John's dad joining us; it's my folks' inclusion that I'm not so sold on. And now my question: Is my hesitancy in inviting my parents because I'm still harboring all that teenage angst and I just need to get over myself? Or is it because I'm afraid of Mom's subtle rejection and fault-finding?