Right now, regret is standing in my way. Regret and annoyance with my partner. I keep mourning the mistakes I've made and the things lost to me and to the people that I love because of my poor choices. I find myself wishing for a do-over, while knowing that's impossible. This is compounded by the lack of connection with my partner (and likely compounds the lack of connection).
If I can figure out how to move past this regret, I'll be free to accept the path I've taken and find joy in what I have now. If I continue to wallow in my lost youth, I will just add to the regrets of my future.
A to-do list to overcome my regret? Well, I guess that's what I'm here for, and I do like lists:
- Accept that the past is unchangeable
- Accept that I am not responsible for other's happiness or lack thereof
- Find joy in my life
- Live in the present
What hasn't used and obstacle as an excuse? And my biggest obstacle is regret, so of course I regretted it. That's why I'm here!
Sometimes my obstacles are certainly fears, mostly my fear of inadequacy. I have generally believed that I'm just not worthy of whatever I want.
Which brings me to my longest running obstacle - lack of worth. It's not really lack of confidence; I believe I'm capable of most things that I'm interested in accomplishing, but I don't believe that I am anointed to deserve such grandiose dreams such as becoming a librarian or a successful craft-booth vendor.
So I've made great progress on the self-worth aspect of my psyche, and though I still have a fair amount of self-doubt, it holds me back less than it did in my past. It's this regret that's really got me in a stranglehold. I know it's related to aging, and just not living the life that I think I should be living. At this point of my life, I should have been married for 35 years; I should have grand-kids; I should be enjoying my niece's wedding. But the stupid shit I did to end my marriage made all of that impossible. And John, while a good man, isn't who I should be growing old with. We don't have any of the same ideas of what we want out of life. I failed again.
I just don't know where to go from here.
