What is Missing?

Whew, this is a big question.

I mean, it would be easy to say, "Nothing is missing from my life; I have a good job, a good husband, great kids, and a nice place to live. Really, what more could I possibly need?" Okay, maybe not EASY to say, but it should be the right answer maybe?

But if I'm allowing myself to be selfish - and what is a year of writing about oneself if not selfish? - I am missing the joy. 

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11/27/25

Right now my life is missing fulfillment, I guess. Specifically feeling fulfilled with my marriage. Maybe connection is a more accurate descriptor. 

I wish I still had my first marriage. Well, that's not exactly right. I wish that I had continued my first marriage and worked to strengthen it. It needed help, and I wish I had stuck around to figure it out. 

I don't know that I feel destined not to have the life I want, but I feel responsible for living this unwanted life. Destiny had nothing to do with it - the shitty choices I made are what landed me here. I feel like though this isn't the life that I want, it is the life that I gave myself.

I've been realizing more and more over the last several years that I messed things up and now have to bear the consequences. 

Sure, lots of people have a long-term relationship with a loving, fulfilling family life. They worked to make it happen rather than squandering what they had. I mean, to be fair to myself, I was a hot mess and have worked on myself a lot since the dissolution of my marriage, but that doesn't change anything.

My lack of fulfillment in my current marriage comes from a couple of things. I expect John's depression is a major factor. We don't know how to talk to each other. I Idealized him at the beginning of our relationship - thinking his silence was noble or some such thing. I want different things out of life than he does. I know what a good relationship should feel like, and this isn't it.

Continuing counseling may help, though it hasn't seemed to do much. It feels like John wants everything to stay like it is except he wants regular sex. And it doesn't seem like he's willing to work on anything.

Work Take 2

 Jobs I've Had/Places I've Worked:

Babysitter

McDonald's

Sears

JCPenney

Dorm Cafeteria

KFC

7-11

Guernsey's

Domino's

The Main

Soaring Eagle Casino

Sassy Sally's

Nevada Palace

The Brass Saloon

Listening Ear

Mt Pleasant Teaching Home

Morey Charter School

Farwell Area Schools

Water Meter Reader

Timeout Tavern

Substitute Teacher

Ha! When I worked at the Brass, one of the other waitresses showed me how to spin the ketchup bottle so that the ketchup would come to the end, and it would be easier for the customer to pour. So, because I'm generous, I decided to share this new wisdom with another waitress, and while I was demonstrating the technique, the top of the bottle came off! There was ketchup on the walls, floor, and even ceiling - pretty hilarious!

When I was a ice-cream server at Guernsey's, I decided to prove to the younger workers that wet fingers would, indeed, stick to the side of the ice cream freezer; my former babysitter, who was my then manager, had to rescue me :)

As lovely as walking around outside, listening to audio books, and reading water meters is, it's not what I'd call fulfilling. But after having a tremendously fulfilling and taxing job as a teacher for 25 years, I'm currently content to chill a bit.

The best job ever depends on the criteria. In regard to chill enjoyment, my current job as meter reader is a clear winner. When considering positive impact, teaching comes out on top. The most fun and socially enriching jobs would be a three way tie with McDonald's, The Main, and the Casino. But probably my overall number one job would be the sub-job of running the library at the Middle School. THAT checked all of my boxes (except pay :)

One of my best jobs was also my worst. Teaching was great, but administration changes and public sentiment changes made it difficult to find the joy by the end of my tenure.

Nowadays, a part-time gig is right up my alley - with my current jobs of meter-reading and subbing, I'm able to set my hours, and I REALLY dig that at this stage of my life.

Ideally, I'd find a job that made a positive impact on the world - I know that eventually I'll look for something a little more fulfilling. At this point, I don't care a lot about money, though I do need to supplement my income for the next few years at least. I would like a job where I improve people's lives. As I sub more, that may work, but I'm kind of expecting to reenter the workforce in the next year - maybe a para-pro or something.

My DREAM job is to go back and run the Middle School library. THAT would be perfect.

I did think of my work as a calling for years, and it was lovely. Though I thoroughly enjoy meter reading, it's hard to frame that as a calling :D

Really always, but especially now, the internal values are SO much more important to me than the external. Though this probably shows my privilege, money is important, but it's not the most important.

And finally, I do need to work towards a change in my career, but a slow change. For now, I'm content.

Obstacles Take 2

 Right now, regret is standing in my way. Regret and annoyance with my partner. I keep mourning the mistakes I've made and the things lost to me and to the people that I love because of my poor choices. I find myself wishing for a do-over, while knowing that's impossible. This is compounded by the lack of connection with my partner (and likely compounds the lack of connection). 

If I can figure out how to move past this regret, I'll be free to accept the path I've taken and find joy in what I have now. If I continue to wallow in my lost youth, I will just add to the regrets of my future.

A to-do list to overcome my regret? Well, I guess that's what I'm here for, and I do like lists:

• Accept that the past is unchangeable
• Accept that I am not responsible for other's happiness or lack thereof
• Find joy in my life 
• Live in the present

What hasn't used and obstacle as an excuse? And my biggest obstacle is regret, so of course I regretted it. That's why I'm here!

Sometimes my obstacles are certainly fears, mostly my fear of inadequacy. I have generally believed that I'm just not worthy of whatever I want.

Which brings me to my longest running obstacle - lack of worth. It's not really lack of confidence; I believe I'm capable of most things that I'm interested in accomplishing, but I don't believe that I am anointed to deserve such grandiose dreams such as becoming a librarian or a successful craft-booth vendor.

So I've made great progress on the self-worth aspect of my psyche, and though I still have a fair amount of self-doubt, it holds me back less than it did in my past. It's this regret that's really got me in a stranglehold. I know it's related to aging, and just not living the life that I think I should be living. At this point of my life, I should have been married for 35 years; I should have grand-kids; I should be enjoying my niece's wedding. But the stupid shit I did to end my marriage made all of that impossible. And John, while a good man, isn't who I should be growing old with. We don't have any of the same ideas of what we want out of life. I failed again.

I just don't know where to go from here.