Contribution

 I mean I've posted all sorts of positive things to social media - but that seems like a pretty lame thing right around now. Social media has become so ugly, that I don't really want to take any credit for any part of it - even positive messages can be seen in a negative skew.

As a teacher, I know I've contributed positively to the world; I've made kids' lives better by accepting them and giving them room to become themselves. Even as a sub, I know that I'm making some impact, and it is making me consider returning to the classroom full time to broaden that impact. But I wonder if it's the right thing for me? 

When I've donated money, it's because it's a cause that I believe improves the world in some way - NPR, Black Farmers, WWF, NOW, GLSN, etc - and I have the means to help, even in a small way. I often feel like I should do more.

I have performed random acts of kindness, but I don't like to advertise them - I feel like it cheapens the sentiment if I share these acts publicly, or even privately with anyone not directly involved with the act. Sometimes, I don't even share my specific role in the act with the person on the receiving end. It does make me feel good to be specifically kind, but I don't need credit beyond my own knowing of it.

I don't feel like I contribute to my family and friends enough. I get too hermity, or passive aggressive in my desire to make things "perfect" or at least better. 

I want to be better. I want to stop being so selfish. I want to go back in time and fix my mistakes. I want to figure out how to move forward with the mistakes I can't fix.

What is Missing?

Whew, this is a big question.

I mean, it would be easy to say, "Nothing is missing from my life; I have a good job, a good husband, great kids, and a nice place to live. Really, what more could I possibly need?" Okay, maybe not EASY to say, but it should be the right answer maybe?

But if I'm allowing myself to be selfish - and what is a year of writing about oneself if not selfish? - I am missing the joy. 

----------

11/27/25

Right now my life is missing fulfillment, I guess. Specifically feeling fulfilled with my marriage. Maybe connection is a more accurate descriptor. 

I wish I still had my first marriage. Well, that's not exactly right. I wish that I had continued my first marriage and worked to strengthen it. It needed help, and I wish I had stuck around to figure it out. 

I don't know that I feel destined not to have the life I want, but I feel responsible for living this unwanted life. Destiny had nothing to do with it - the shitty choices I made are what landed me here. I feel like though this isn't the life that I want, it is the life that I gave myself.

I've been realizing more and more over the last several years that I messed things up and now have to bear the consequences. 

Sure, lots of people have a long-term relationship with a loving, fulfilling family life. They worked to make it happen rather than squandering what they had. I mean, to be fair to myself, I was a hot mess and have worked on myself a lot since the dissolution of my marriage, but that doesn't change anything.

My lack of fulfillment in my current marriage comes from a couple of things. I expect John's depression is a major factor. We don't know how to talk to each other. I Idealized him at the beginning of our relationship - thinking his silence was noble or some such thing. I want different things out of life than he does. I know what a good relationship should feel like, and this isn't it.

Continuing counseling may help, though it hasn't seemed to do much. It feels like John wants everything to stay like it is except he wants regular sex. And it doesn't seem like he's willing to work on anything.

Work Take 2

 Jobs I've Had/Places I've Worked:

Babysitter

McDonald's

Sears

JCPenney

Dorm Cafeteria

KFC

7-11

Guernsey's

Domino's

The Main

Soaring Eagle Casino

Sassy Sally's

Nevada Palace

The Brass Saloon

Listening Ear

Mt Pleasant Teaching Home

Morey Charter School

Farwell Area Schools

Water Meter Reader

Timeout Tavern

Substitute Teacher

Ha! When I worked at the Brass, one of the other waitresses showed me how to spin the ketchup bottle so that the ketchup would come to the end, and it would be easier for the customer to pour. So, because I'm generous, I decided to share this new wisdom with another waitress, and while I was demonstrating the technique, the top of the bottle came off! There was ketchup on the walls, floor, and even ceiling - pretty hilarious!

When I was a ice-cream server at Guernsey's, I decided to prove to the younger workers that wet fingers would, indeed, stick to the side of the ice cream freezer; my former babysitter, who was my then manager, had to rescue me :)

As lovely as walking around outside, listening to audio books, and reading water meters is, it's not what I'd call fulfilling. But after having a tremendously fulfilling and taxing job as a teacher for 25 years, I'm currently content to chill a bit.

The best job ever depends on the criteria. In regard to chill enjoyment, my current job as meter reader is a clear winner. When considering positive impact, teaching comes out on top. The most fun and socially enriching jobs would be a three way tie with McDonald's, The Main, and the Casino. But probably my overall number one job would be the sub-job of running the library at the Middle School. THAT checked all of my boxes (except pay :)

One of my best jobs was also my worst. Teaching was great, but administration changes and public sentiment changes made it difficult to find the joy by the end of my tenure.

Nowadays, a part-time gig is right up my alley - with my current jobs of meter-reading and subbing, I'm able to set my hours, and I REALLY dig that at this stage of my life.

Ideally, I'd find a job that made a positive impact on the world - I know that eventually I'll look for something a little more fulfilling. At this point, I don't care a lot about money, though I do need to supplement my income for the next few years at least. I would like a job where I improve people's lives. As I sub more, that may work, but I'm kind of expecting to reenter the workforce in the next year - maybe a para-pro or something.

My DREAM job is to go back and run the Middle School library. THAT would be perfect.

I did think of my work as a calling for years, and it was lovely. Though I thoroughly enjoy meter reading, it's hard to frame that as a calling :D

Really always, but especially now, the internal values are SO much more important to me than the external. Though this probably shows my privilege, money is important, but it's not the most important.

And finally, I do need to work towards a change in my career, but a slow change. For now, I'm content.

Obstacles Take 2

 Right now, regret is standing in my way. Regret and annoyance with my partner. I keep mourning the mistakes I've made and the things lost to me and to the people that I love because of my poor choices. I find myself wishing for a do-over, while knowing that's impossible. This is compounded by the lack of connection with my partner (and likely compounds the lack of connection). 

If I can figure out how to move past this regret, I'll be free to accept the path I've taken and find joy in what I have now. If I continue to wallow in my lost youth, I will just add to the regrets of my future.

A to-do list to overcome my regret? Well, I guess that's what I'm here for, and I do like lists:

• Accept that the past is unchangeable
• Accept that I am not responsible for other's happiness or lack thereof
• Find joy in my life 
• Live in the present

What hasn't used and obstacle as an excuse? And my biggest obstacle is regret, so of course I regretted it. That's why I'm here!

Sometimes my obstacles are certainly fears, mostly my fear of inadequacy. I have generally believed that I'm just not worthy of whatever I want.

Which brings me to my longest running obstacle - lack of worth. It's not really lack of confidence; I believe I'm capable of most things that I'm interested in accomplishing, but I don't believe that I am anointed to deserve such grandiose dreams such as becoming a librarian or a successful craft-booth vendor.

So I've made great progress on the self-worth aspect of my psyche, and though I still have a fair amount of self-doubt, it holds me back less than it did in my past. It's this regret that's really got me in a stranglehold. I know it's related to aging, and just not living the life that I think I should be living. At this point of my life, I should have been married for 35 years; I should have grand-kids; I should be enjoying my niece's wedding. But the stupid shit I did to end my marriage made all of that impossible. And John, while a good man, isn't who I should be growing old with. We don't have any of the same ideas of what we want out of life. I failed again.

I just don't know where to go from here.

Work

My work history:

1.  Babysitting - I started this in earnest when I was 11 for $1 an hour! I made flyers of a sort and left them in the mailboxes of neighbors who had little kids (which is funny because today I'd likely consider eleven as a little kid). And I never even considered asking my parents if this was okay first. I loved babysitting and was actually pretty good at it (according to the kids and parents), and I continued to babysit until my early 20s.
2. McDonald's - Shortly after I turned 16, I applied at McDonald's using my chosen spelling of my name - Pennie (again without first consulting Mom and Dad). I remember that my sometimes-boyfriend, Jeff, drove me to my interview and I wore yellow sweatpants and pink and blue striped nail polish! Sheesh! I did get the job, and worked there for about three years. Apparently, at some point during that time, my mother worked there as well, but it seems that that was such a traumatic event that I've blocked it from my memory.
3. Sears - I left McDonald's briefly to work in the children's department at Sears in the mall. I'd have to sometimes get to work at 5:30 am to unload deliveries, and sold children's clothes to Lance Parrish's wife! I really don't remember why I left this job; maybe I was offered a raise to return to McDonald's?
4. Dish room - Worked VERY briefly in my dorm's dish room. Very gross.
5. JCPenney - Seasonal work over my first college Christmas break. I started in Gifts and Lamps, and then when the return season started I was moved up to the woman's department. Left to return to CMU.
6. KFC - Guernsey's - 7-11 - McDonald's The summer after my freshman year - I worked three jobs at a time PLUS took a pre-calc class. And I spent a lot of time consuming adult beverages with friends. I didn't sleep much that summer, and needless to say, I didn't do great in pre-calc.
7. Dominos - So, I had just moved in to my first apartment, and I applied to deliver pizzas. First problem - I had a pretty crappy driving record, so they instead hired me to answer phones. Second problem - I wrote the wrong phone number down (this was back in the day when you'd get a new number every time you moved!) so they sent a driver to my apartment to offer me the job! Third (and last) problem - I was "on call" on a Saturday night (double whammy party night - Western Weekend AND Halloween). My roommate and I party hopped, and I dutifully called in at each new party. Finally, we landed at our friend's house; I called (for probably the 6th or 7th time); they said to come in; I passed out instead, and when I went to work the next day, my name had been erased from the schedule! Only job I've ever been fired from, but it turned into a blessing of sorts.
8. The Main - My first "real" job - or at least the first one to pay me a living wage. I started out as a waitress, and soon moved up to bartender. I liked this job.
9. Card Room - Dealt poker and sometimes blackjack and made the BIG bucks here. It was a great job until my ego got in the way, and then I hated it. I left and returned three times - once because of our move to Vegas, once because of my husband and I separated and he worked there, too, once because I was bitter about the policy to put Native Americans in a job that I was better qualified for. After my third return, I'd let go of all of my bitterness and just enjoyed the job again. I finally left because a policy change required part-timers to work at least two days a week and I was entering my second year of teaching AND 7 months pregnant. Had I been able to continue working one weekend a month, I may very well still be there.
10. Sassy Sally's - I wore a HUGE yellow foam hat and tried to persuade people to come in and lose their money on a slot machine. It was a shitty job, but I appear in pictures with strangers from around the world!
11. Nevada Palace - Sold change for slot machines. Another pretty shitty job, and REALLY hard on my body - I lugged around a hundred pounds of change in a tool belt. :P
12. The Brass Saloon - Blech! Food waitressing for a pig of a boss and a manager who tried to under pay us. This was my job during the separation. It REALLY sucked!
13. Morey Charter School - Listening Ear - Teaching Home - Again, I worked three jobs at once, this time because I left the casino because of my bitterness. These were all decent jobs, but even with working all three, I didn't make as much as I did at the casino, so after about a year, I went back to slinging cards.
14. Substitute teaching - I nearly didn't include this one, because it was only for six weeks, but I did a long-term stint at an alternative middle school.
15. Farwell Area Schools - When I did my taxes during my third year of teaching, it was the first time in my working career that I only had ONE w2. It was crazy. Been here ever since.

For many years, I LOVED teaching. Like, serious love. I would often weep with gratitude when I spoke with people about teaching, and I'd be eager to start a new year each fall. Then about 5 years ago, a crappy administrator changed all of that for me, and I am now counting down the days until I can retire. I am SO done, but the current health benefits and even more so the retirement health benefits are keeping me here for another four years. 

Some days - many days - I weep with horror at the reality that I need to continue doing this. And I weep for my broken heart because the glee that I used to feel every day at work was ripped from me. I know that my retirement will include a job, and I'm looking forward to one that I can actually leave at work.

Obstacles

After a lot of false starts and contemplation, I believe that my biggest obstacle is inertia. I can envision the life that I'd like to lead; I know what I have to do to get there (mostly), but instead I just sit around and daydream about my future or about the things I should have done in the past, and just let the present slide through my consciousness without really paying attention. I have all kinds of plans, but most of them just stay in "some day".

But hey, I'm making some progress. When I turned 50, I reintroduced my exercise habit and have done yoga nearly every day for the last two and a half years. I built on that and began a daily meditation practice a year ago, and last August, I became a certified yoga instructor, plus I can now do ten push ups! I've also been sewing more - I've made over a hundred masks in the last year, plus a pair of shorts for Carlos, a wallet for Al and one for me, and I'm working on my first quilt. I've developed a daily journaling habit - something I've been attempting for forty years - and I've sent birthday cards to important people in my life.

So, really, when I look at it more closely, maybe my biggest obstacle is that I focus on all of the stuff I want to do, but don't value the things I have done.

I don't know. This has been tough to write. Maybe overthinking is my biggest obstacle?

Regrets

Sunday was a great day that ended a great weekend. We did a fair amount of nothing, and since it was the first weekend of winter break, there wasn't any guilt involved. I made a DELICIOUS scrambled egg concoction for breakfast, followed that with a fruitless quest for a Christmas tree stand, then came home and watched football and drank a couple beers instead of wrapping presents - that could wait until Monday when we got the tree up.

John and I watched a movie in bed, and around 10:00 we began to wonder where Eric had been all day. It's not unusual for him to sleep and/or stay in his room until late in the evening, but we hadn't heard the usual music or YouTube commentary coming through the door. Figuring that he went someplace with his momma, and that's why his car was still in the driveway, John sent him a "Where are you?" text. Around midnight, after no response, He went into Eric's room and found him still asleep.

But we couldn't wake him up.

And when we shook him to try to wake him, he was cold to the touch.

And for the first time in my life, I called 911.

And our boy is dead. I don't know how to say it in a nicer way. I don't want to say it in a nicer way. There's nothing nice about it. Euphemisms are nothing I want to deal in. Death is a brutal, ugly, gut-wrenching deal, and sugar coating it doesn't do anyone a favor. Eric is dead. He will never stomp across the house again; he will never share a favorite movie again; he will never laugh at South Park, drink chocolate milk, come in to get Maude, or make a movie again.

And I miss him. And I have been missing him for a year.

Eric and I started off great. We both loved horror films, and he loved to share his favorites with me. I made a great egg mcmuffin, and when he could no longer eat the muffin because of his Celiac's, I made great scrambled eggs. We drove his dad crazy one night laughing hysterically while the GPS was going nutty, "Keep right at the next, keep right." every 30 seconds all the way from Troy to Royal Oak. When I was a bit tipsy we decided to go on a quest for Reese's, and we hopped in the van at 7:00 on a Sunday night so he could drive me all over Gladwin until we found a party store still open. We'd sit around the fire pit or on the back deck and just hang out. All was well.

In the last year, our relationship took a huge turn for the worse. He came home from film school, and felt isolated and angry and sometimes was frankly a jerk. And I, despite all of my understanding of adolescent angst, often responded back with at least an equal amount of jerkiness.

Things deteriorated quickly, and turned a bit nasty for a short time. Only a short time.

But, the damage had been done, and despite a few baby-steps here and there, our relationship wasn't what it used to be.

And I was sad.

And I wanted things to get better.

And I believed they would eventually.

And now they won't.

And I have to remember that for the rest of my life. And I will.

I will stop judging people; everyone has their "stuff" and I've got m own to worry about. I will be kind and patient, remembering that when someone is being a jerk, they have a reason for it, and it's probably that something in their life sucks. I will never miss the opportunity to love my loved-ones; work, tv, and the Internet can wait. I will be my better self. I will never again miss someone who I see everyday.

We only get so much time to stick around; I will spend it on the good.

Personal Timeline - the Earliest Years

August 11, 1968 - Managed to be born

September 13, 1968 - Got myself adopted

September 14, 1970 - Got myself a baby-bro

July 1973 - Moved to Apple Crest:

• Met
• Santa and Mrs Claus
• Deanne, Kathy, and JJ
• Wendy - the girl with the pink curtains
• Mahdu
• Jennifer - Lived on Parkridge!
• Kickball - kick the can - statue
• Tiffany Taylor - Barbie
• Sewing clothes
• baby oil and suntanning
• Charlie's Angels
• Swing set
• Swimming pools - Kathy's and Deanne's
• Michelle moves in
• roller skates
• bikes

1973/74 -  Kindergarten

• Mrs Batser
• Jeffery Bain
• Graham crackers and peanut butter
• sitting on the register waiting for the bus
• bunnies - Gwendolyn and Mr Kesser
• Mom room mother (until 3rd or 4th grade)
• Sing a song
• Wendy and gym - Mr Haley - standing on his hands
• walking to school - taking shortcuts
• PM!

73 - 78 Orchard Hills Elementary

• "Grave" marker on front lawn
• parking lot recess 
• jumping rope - teddy bear and Cinderella
• tether ball
• wet
• apple trees
• pizza slide
• cooties
• fuzzy caterpillars
• Mrs Hurst / Ms Burke / Mrs Alex
• Campbell soup labels
• Chicken Pox
• Tammy ate glue
• getting a ride from a STRANGER (with a helping hand)
• Erin Berry, Dawn Gross
• Christine Hauge, Lisa Hay
• Brett Gillick and Snoopy
• Andrea Kinsella 
• swings

My Life as a Book

Our Writing Into the Day prompt today was to "Write the back cover of the story of your life". Here goes:

Modeled after Wonder
Penny Lou Moore was born to a 16 year old girl who immediately put her up for adoption. As Penny grew up, she learned that as much as she loved her mom and dad and baby brother, she was more than ready to be on her own - and stay that way. She’s about to send her own kids off to college and is beginning to realize how hard that can be. The thing is, Penny just wants what's best for her kids, but that means letting go. How can she can she show her kids that leaving the house doesn’t mean leaving home?







Modeled after The Hunger Games
In the rural landscape of Clare County lies the village of Farwell, including a small school district fed by the surrounding sparsely populated area. Farwell Middle School is welcoming and supportive and keeps the teachers and students safe and successful by demanding the best from every person in the building. 

Middle-aged Penny Lou Lew entered teaching hesitantly when she completed college fourteen years ago. But Penny had faced challenges before - and middle school, for her, turned out to be second nature. Without really meaning to, she falls in love with the job and the kids. But if she is to make a real difference, she will have to push both herself and her students to achieve what many deem impossible.

food for today -

• Breakfast
• 2 mini-bagels with hummus and cream cheese
• cran/water combo
• Snack
• apple
• Lunch
• chef salad
• chocolate milk
• apple
• Snack
• broccoli and cauliflower
• 5ish tortilla chips
• Supper
• hot dog w/ baked beans, onions, cheddar
• tater tots
• cran/water combo
• Snack
• chai tea

Hmmm - maybe I was a bit ambitious?

Okay - it seems that my life is too busy, or at least that journaling and walking Jasper are not high enough priorities, to keep to the exact letter of my resolutions. Every day blogging has proven to be an impossibility if I would like to get a reasonable amount of sleep, and since I didn't get home Monday or Tuesday night until after 8:00 I also didn't walk the boy.

However, I have been food-journaling in my head, and have been doing pretty well with eating decently. I really have motivation now - we're having a weight-loss thingy at work and so I got on a scale today for the first time in some time, and discovered that I weigh nearly 20 pounds more today than I did on October 30, 2001 (which was, incidentally, Carlos's day of birth). That was a bit breath-losing.

So, still no raiding the Butterfinger drawer, and I've been snacking on fresh veggies in the afternoon. I'm sure the weight will pour off any day now:)

One thing I for sure notice is that I'm absolutely not drinking enough (except for beer days:). I need to chug more water.

food for today:

• Breakfast 
• Whole-wheat mini-bagel with cream cheese and hummus
• hot tea
• Lunch (surprise!)
• chef salad w/black beans
• chocolate milk
• Snack

• broccoli
• Supper
• Homemade chicken noodle
• 1/2 100% Cranberry = 1/2 water

Resolutions - schmesolutions

Okay - I don't really mean that - I've made great resolutions, and I expect to at least strive towards them, but change is HARD! And making excuses is EASY!

For instance, I totally have no excuse to not walk Jasper EVERYDAY. The truth is, he loves his walks; I love his walks. The problem is, I just haven't made it enough of a priority to actually do it most days.  Okay - to hit the three-days-a-week goal, I still have three days to get in two walks, so it is certainly possible, and I will try very much to hit it, but . . . Well, let's be realistic, right?

The writing I'm doing a fairly good job on - even if my "novel" hasn't gotten any longer, I have been writing here pretty much every day - which does, in fact, count. And I expect to keep this up - really.

So - here goes the rest -


food for today -

• Breakfast





• egg salad (two eggs)
• 10ish Triscuits (Triscuits always make me think of Sandy Duncan who always makes me think of Michelle Marckwardt - I'm not sure what the connection is there, but it's a strong one:)(And after Googling it, it appears that Sandy hawked Wheat Thins, not Triscuits - my childhood is full of these kind of mix-ups!)
• Hot tea
• Lunch 
• oops - forgot to eat this meal!
• Snack 
• A bunch of delicious fresh tortilla chips left at home by Eric before he went back to college
• Supper
• New York Strip Steak - RARE!
• Cottage Cheese
• "Snack"
• A bottle of Chardonnay (YIKES! At least it was the cheap stuff!)

spending for today

• About $17 dollars on groceries (including steak and cottage cheese:)

Well, Poop

Didn't have time to write yesterday - so:

food for yesterday:

• Breakfast
• two pieces peanut butter and jelly on whole grain sourdough toast
• glass of skim milk
• hot tea
• Lunch (this will be a big surprise:)
• chef salad (with chicken this time:)
• fruit salad (yummy yummy)
• chocolate milk
• Snack
• LOTS of baby carrots
• apple
• Supper
• taco salad
• "Snack"
• bottle Blue Moon Winter Abby Ale
• two pints of Coal Stoker's Blackberry Ale
• bottle of Fat Tire Amber Ale

spending for yesterday:

• $1 for the Tooth Fairy
• $18 for the pints of Coal Stoker's and 2 Trainwrecks for John + tip for the lovely bartender
• $100 for a keg of Cow Catcher Red Ale to feed our well-loved kegerator

Just a Quick Check-in

It seems Carlos has inherited his Momma's teeth. He lost yet another one today - that makes four in the last two weeks or so. We thought he'd have to make a trip to the oral surgeon, as he had four adult teeth shoving over, but not out, the babies. But, with a little wiggle-help from Momma, a day at the doctor has been avoided. His poor sissy was never quite so lucky; only one of her teeth came out of its own volition, the rest had to be yanked out by the dentist with the exception of her two front teeth - one was knocked out by a basket-ball, and the other by a friend's head:)

What do you do with the baby teeth? I have a case of them from the kids; it seems wrong to throw them away, but it seems creepy to keep them. My dentist says she framed those of her son, but that seems a step up the creepy-staircase from throwing them in the junk drawer. Maybe we'll watch them dissolve in a cup of Coke one day?:)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Another pretty good day of resolution keeping.  Still staying away from the candy stash, but I need to bring in a good snack, because I am HUNGRY late morning and late afternoon. Hmmm - maybe some baby carrots or something?

food for today:

• Breakfast
• two small pieces of peanut-butter-and-jelly whole-grain sourdough toast
• glass of skim milk
• hot tea
• Lunch (and I didn't copy and paste from yesterday!:)
• Chef salad with black beans
• fruit salad (yummy yummy)
• apple
• chocolate milk
• Supper (at Wendy's - Carlos's treat:)
• Jr. Cheeseburger deluxe
• 1/2ish large fry
• small Frostie
• ice water
• one spicy chicken nugget
• Snack
• chai tea

spending for today:

• $0 - though I still owe the kid $2 - that'll get paid tomorrow!:)

No Stinkin' Butterfingers for Me!

Gaarrr! At school today I was tummy-growling hungry both before lunch and at the end of the day. I happen to have a file-drawer full of bite-sized Butterfingers (and an assortment of other sugary treats, but the Butterfingers are what really matter) that I would normally dig into, but since I knew I'd be reporting back to YOU tonight, I kept that darn drawer closed tight. I have mixed feelings about this - just writing about them makes me want one NOW (though they're at school and I'm at home), but I'm pretty impressed with myself that I resisted the crispy-peanut-buttery temptation.

Mmmmm-mmm.

Success number two for the day: after supper, the kids and I took J-dog for a walk! Well, the kids rode their scooters, which was quite an adventure in the 2-inches of snow we have on the ground, but the effect was the same for Jasper and me. The walk was a fairly short one - only about 1/2 mile - but it was cold out, and if any of you have walked with Carlos, especially when his meds are nearing the end of their day, you'd know this was a fair accomplishment.

food for today:

• Breakfast
• bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats
• glass of super pulpy Orange Juice (I want to chew my juice!)
• Hot Tea
• Lunch - I work lunch at school, and part of that gig is FREE lunch every day - and school lunch is SO much better than in the olden days:)
• Chef Salad 
• fruit salad (Yummy Yummy)
• apple
• chocolate milk
• Hot Tea
• Snack (while fixing supper - I was just SO hungry!)
• 7ish Triscuits with hummus
• Supper
• spaghetti with red sauce and kidney beans - this is leftover from my veggie days - the kids love it this way, and it's pretty healthy and tasty. I used to sneak spinach in the sauce too, but Ally's rebelled against that!
• glass of milk
• Snack
• couple handfuls popcorn
• decaf chai tea

spending for today:

$0!!! (though I do owe a kid $2 for eggs:)

Off to write that novel now!

Happy New Year

So, I've made various resolutions for various New Years with various levels of success.  A few years ago, I made four resolutions and made a point to journal about them every night - that was, by far, the most successful resolution year to date.

This year, I have decided to again journal every night - but instead of keeping the progress to the privacy of my own pen and paper, I'm sharing with the world (or at least that very small corner of the world that reads my blog:). My hopes are that by sharing my goals and steps towards them with my adoring public, I'll be more accountable to them. So please, if you notice me skipping a blogging day, feel free to share your disappointment with me.

The resolutions:

Write for a least a half hour every night. This is a two-birds one-stone goal - I need to get back in the habit of writing if I'm ever going to grow up to be a famous novelist, plus I need to journal, So - yay me:)

Keep a food journal. Most of my life, I've had a fairly easy time with my weight. I never really had to watch what I was eating, never much gained weight. Then forty hit, and with it came 25 pounds. I know how to eat healthily, I just typically don't - fessing up to the world about the too many Butterfinger bites I gorged on should help that to happen less often.

Erase debt. Years of bad financial decisions are still hanging around, and though I've stopped building additional debt, I still have more than a bit to lose. I intend to cut debt by at least $500 per month by paying more and spending less - we've already taken a great step by limiting our eating-out expenses - I'll be searching for other ways to cut all year.

Walk Jasper at least three times a week. The food journal will be important towards getting healthier, but I need to get some exercise back into my life, and so does my pup. I don't think I'll ever get back to the seven morning a week workout of my late thirty's, and frankly I don't think I want to, but three walks a week seems manageable.

food for today:

• Breakfast - 
• Bowl of Team Cheerios 
• Glass of skim milk
• 10ish Triscuits with Port Wine Cheese ball spread on them
• Hot Tea
• Lunch - 
• Qdoba - 
• small bowl Mexican Gumbo w/ black and pinto beans
• small black bean quesadilla
• water
• Supper - 
• Steak and shrimp
• two Fat Tire beers

spending for today:

• groceries (Beer, celery, toothpaste) - $35
• Qdoba (Ellen and I were shopping:) - $15

Hoarding and Minimizing - Finding my Place on the Continuum

I've been thinking a lot about minimizing for years, and compared to many - maybe even most - Americans, I do live fairly sparsely.  I come from a short line of hoarders; Grandma grew up during the Depression, and her hoarding was attributed to that, though Mom's isn't as easily explained.  I refuse to fall into that trap, so an annual garage sale, and semi-annual trips to Goodwill are constants. Sharing an 850 square foot house with my husband, two kids, and two dogs, plus occasionally with my two step-kids, certainly helps keep the accumulation down.

A few years ago, I read an article about minimalism in ReadyMade magazine in which the author was striving to own fewer than 100 things.  I thought that sounded cool, but didn't do much with it. Recently, after reading many of my friend Bethany's blogs, I decided it was time for a closet-purge and thought I'd go for a reasonable number of each type of clothes.  Fourteen pieces total is not something I'm thinking about approaching, but I figured fourteen pieces of a certain type of clothing would be a reasonable beginning - two weeks worth of short-sleeves or bottoms or whatever (okay - I know that sounds like a lot, but I had to start somewhere, right?:). I figured that once I pared down, I'd work some sort of system where I have to get rid of a t-shirt every-time I bought a new one.

So, I opened up my closet, and started counting.  Thirty-seven short-sleeved shirts. Thirty-seven.  And that didn't count the ten or so at the Gladwin house. Or the two or three in the laundry.  THIRTY-SEVEN. "Good gosh," I thought, "maybe I AM a hoarder!"

So, with my girl's help, I did lose a lot of the t-shirts, and enough skirts, dresses, sweaters, pants and tank-tops to fill four plastic grocery bags. (How do I keep getting these things?  I've been bringing my own bags to Meijer for fifteen years, but never run out of those stinking plastic ones!) But, I did not - nor will I likely ever - meet the number goal.  I suppose I should just be content that I can actually fit everything into my tiny closet.

Sliding into the grave

Robert Plant - Led Zepplin

David Lee Roth - Van Halen

Robert Plant and David Lee Roth both started out as the long-haired, bare-chested, crazy-sexy, front-men of hugely successful, ground breaking bands. These men epitomized the ideal of the "Rock God". If you polled a representative sample of so-called Generation X, I'm willing to bet you'd find the vast majority of us either wanted to be one of these provocative crooners or be with one - and a sizable portion wanted to be both.

Robert Plant and Alison Krauss -
Bluegrass Emmy

So as a Gen Xer, it makes complete sense that as my years add up and I consider just what aging may bring, I turn to these idols of my formative years for guidance.  And here's the thing - despite their very similar beginnings, Robert and David Lee have taken radically divergent paths toward old age.  Robert Plant strayed from his rock 'n roll roots and tried new stuff - this turn began with the Honeydrippers at about the same time that David Lee was at the top of his game.  He's explored different genre, and has seemed to have, well, just slowed down a bit - sort of easing into those "golden years".

David Lee Roth and Van Halen -
reunion tour

David Lee Roth, on the other hand, has chosen the "slidin' into the grave" approach. It seems he's doing what he's always done - rocking hard, drinking hard, and cashing in on the success of his youth. Touring again with the brothers' (and son) VanHalen has undoubtedly been incredibly celebratory and lucrative for him.

So the big question is. "Which is the better approach to aging?" Though I know which path I'm following, I don't know the answer to that.  Who's more content with his life? Who feels the most fulfilled? Who knows?

Work and Family

Last week, I was working for the MEAP Access helping to set the "cut scores" - basically deciding what it means to meet expectations on this test.  The process was actually very enlightening, and a great professional discussion helped clarify understanding for everyone in the room.  The meeting was four days long, and since I had a fairly long commute, the state offered to put me up in a hotel for the week.  I took advantage of this offer on Tuesday night, and had dinner (on my own dime) that night in the hotel bar.

I was dining with a colleague, and, after the woman next to us discovered we were teachers, she informed us of the ills of collective bargaining (Teachers in my district make more than I do!) and the audacity of the Assistant Principal in her district to have been out sick the past week.  I will spare the details of the conversation that followed, but let it be known that I did not once raise my voice, use any expletives, or resort to name calling.  Pat me on the back next time you see me:)

However, as I sit here with my sick little boy - missing my third day of school in a week and a half for this reason - I'm thinking back on the conversation and the assumptions of the woman.  A piece of her support for her opinion was that there was no way she could miss that much work, implying that if she did, she'd be out of a job.  I have no way of knowing if this is her perception, or her reality, but either way, it's a sad statement as to the value of the American workforce and the American family.

I love my job - I really do.  And I need my job; without it, our lifestyles would take a serious nosedive.  So my job is important - to me, to my family, to society - but not as important as my family.  Any professional commitment I make is weighed and decided by it's impact to my career, but first by it's impact to my family.  And if my family needs me at home, I will be at home. 

Life, including career and family, is a series of choices.  We always have a choice, and each of those choices have consequences.  I want to always make choices that reflect my core values. Finding the balance is what's hard, and the perception that a person's livelihood will be destroyed by taking care of his or her family is devastating to that balance.  Why has it become acceptable to the public that work should come first? This is exactly why we need that much vilified collective bargaining.

My Boy The Hacker

For the last several weeks (really, since New Year's Day) I've been intending to begin regular contributions to my blog.  As you regular followers have likely noted, this intention has not exactly come to fruition.  Today, however, it seems Eric has learned to read my mind and decided to jump-start my blogging by posting one for me.  So since I believe him to be a very smart young man, I will take his "encouragement" as a sign that I need to start setting aside some personal writing time each day.  Hopefully you'll be seeing more of me in the future.

Thanks Eric:)

Oh! And check out his website - Eric Loubert Horror - and his youtube channel - also Eric Loubert Horror.

Hello :)

Hello people! Sorry I haven't written in a while. I've just been busy. So I'm here to promote my boy's website, Eric Loubert Horror. He has been in to this kind of stuff for a while. I think it's awesome. He also does YouTube videos. Click HERE to go to his YouTube channel!

Both he and I would appreciate it if you followed his blog or subscribed to his YouTube channel. Thanks for checking it out. I'll try to begin posting more often :)

PS: Hi Penny. This is Eric. If you're wondering how this got here, well, I hacked your blog! You should log off next time :) LULZ!